Summer

Summer is such a beautiful time, and this summer has been particularly gorgeous. The raspberry bushes that run the entire length of our back yard are in full bloom, little teeny peppers and green tomatoes are making their appearance in our garden, and at this very moment a bright red cardinal is peeking at me from the lawn. I love our little country oasis in the city. The weather has been fantastic this year, which is something to be said in a land where the weather is the ever-present source of complaint. Sure, we got off to a slow start and could use some rain but you won't hear a peep out of me. Just to be able to type ala picnic table, taking in the evening breeze (ok, and the rumble of low-flying jets) is a dream come true.

I feel a little conflicted tonight in the midst of all this summer beauty. I'm in the middle of a job search process, which always brings out demons of self-worth, identity, and ultimate purpose, and doing it (again) in the middle of a rather sluggish economy. (What is with my picking such terrible economic times to graduate? My last great job search was in '02 when the post 9/11 woes had hit full stride.) So, I'm questioning my purpose and trying to balance my idealist and realist sides. I would like to make some sort of difference in the world. Always have. And not in the over idealistic "I'm going to change the world"sort of way. I'm a little too logical for that. But in the purposeful "I'm going to get some skills and figure out how to do something worthwhile and meaningful and hopefully be able to support myself doing it" kind of way. The problem seems to be the folks in charge of the non-profit variety of "worthwhile and meaningful" don't seem to value the financial investment in skills it takes to have something to contribute, while the folks in the public sector variety seem to want to hold you under water until maybe you forget how to do something worthwhile and meaningful once you have the opportunity. So, do you take a deep breath and hold it until you're in a place where you can come up for air? Do you find out you can actually breathe under water and there's a whole new world under there where you can make a difference? Do you set aside your investments of time and money to contribute to the cause? Does that ultimately leave you better or worse off? There's opportunity but also a gamble either way. And I know it might be easy to say, "Forget the salary if it's satisfying." But there's something to be said for having something to invest in other ways of making a difference beyond your own position of employment. On the other hand, the people I admire most are those who live out their passion and talents despite great personal sacrifice. It's hard to know what compromises are ok to make. I realize this is a little overly gloomy for such a lovely summer evening, but, man, even with some good irons in the fire this process can suck the breath out of you. I'm trying not to wrap my identity too much around my place of employment, but it's hard not to confuse what I do with who I am.

So, sunlight and tumult. It's summer in Minnesota again, with all its brilliance and beauty, along with its occasional thunderstorm.